Vegetaria

Another very old poem, This one a served me fairly well as I remember. Is best read whilst steaming drunk. This went through so many incantations I'm not even sure where the best version is. Ideally I should print this out, dig out any other versions and scribble on them some, read it out loud a few times, preferably to an audience (for old times sakes), scribble on it some more and make a final version of it that can remain on here, unread, forever. Hope nobody out there is holding their breath

Vegetaria

A ship was smashed on the jagged rocks
Of a normally placid sea
And a survivor floated to the sandy shore
Of a wonderfully sunny beach
With coconuts, salt water and apart from that sod all
You might think there'd be some wildlife, but no, none at all

This carnivore was stuck in a strange unfeeling land,
Where the second most edible substance was the milky yellow sand

After 3 weeks he was found
And they 'coptered him away,
And I'm sorry, this isn't word for word,
But just what he meant to say

"Give me chicken breast, give me pork chop, give me sausage roll
Just half a pound of T-Bone, and I will feel whole
I know I'm probably rambling, and I might be going nutty
But I would hack off all my limbs just too hold a bacon butty

So he was seated by the hoi-polly in a top secret eatery
Surrounded by liggers, jiggers, and girls, yes, from page 3
And a very famous chef had been booked and told
To just prepare a platter, of meat so very fine
Served with pints of beer, and glasses of red wine.
Our man sat at the head of a chattering mass
Of journalists come to watch him break fast

So the carnivoluptuous plate
Was laid in front of his face
And our man began to grin
But I'm afraid the chef had not avoided a cardinal culinary sin

For the diner spied sight of something thin and black,
And his nose began to quiver,
Its warning to the tastebuds that they'd gone and given him...Liver

He stood up, squirmed, and swore quite loud,
And threw all the meat at the vulturous crowd,
And his eyes took on an angry glint
And I'm sorry, this isn't word for word,
But just what I can print:

Now I am not a doctor, but I know what the liver does,
And you've gone to all this trouble, but I wasn't all that fussed.
I just needed a little protein to satisfy a craving
But a steak sandwich would have done, and you could have made a saving,
Liver's what you eat when there is nothing INedible left
To mix it with this treat is nothing short of theft

But you ruined all this meat with biological waste
And all there is to eat now has a quite disgusting taste.
Ruined lamb joint, ruined Gammon, ruined sausage roll,
There's half a pound of T-bone here, which I could have swallowed whole.
I know you think I'm crazy, and you're probably right, I'm nutty,
But I think I'd sell my soul, and yours, for an unsullied bacon butty.